To Infinity & Beyond

Isn’t it weird when the human brain wants to say something but just doesn’t? I have felt like that for the past five months.

Let’s move on to now.

Anxiety has not been winning so much lately. I have been stepping up to that plate and hitting home runs with it. Don’t get me wrong it can still creep in at any moment but I handle it a lot better than I would have twelve months ago. I feel that being on meds and learning different techniques has helped take the edge off with the way I now make decisions and handle situations.

For instance, earlier this year we found out that we are having another little boy due in November. Even though November is like two months away the anxiety has not kicked in at all. We cannot wait to bring a little brother into the family for ~Z~ to love and nurture. It’s just amazing how a woman’s body can transform into this beautiful child bearing vessel. ~A~, ~Z~and I can’t wait for out little man to be earth-side and the way that this year has gone it feels like it will be tomorrow.

This month I finally went and got a sleep test done. I was given the referral nearly a year ago but Mr Anxiety just wouldn’t let me go. The results were what I expected. I was diagnosed with Obstructive Sleep Apnea Disorder but I have started treatment to get it under control and so far so good but a long journey to go.

Back in February I wrote a post about not having any independence due to not having a drivers licence and how it has affected our eighteen year relationship. (https://theanxietyadventuresblog.wordpress.com/2019/02/03/the-path-of-no-independence/).

Well, last week I did my learners test and passed. So I now have a goal to work towards and obtain my licence. Another little milestone passed!

A little bit has happened this year but its exciting times ahead for our little family and I can’t wait.

Peace • Love • Respect • Harmony

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When Grief Hits

“When there’s no one left in the living world who remembers you, you disappear from this world. We call it the Final Death. Our memories, they have to be passed down by those who knew us in life – in the stories they tell about us.”

The last five years have been hard for us as a family. It has made me realise that my family’s oldest generation has gone and the newest generation is growing up fast.

In 2014 while on our European honeymoon I suddenly lost one of my grandfathers from an aneurysm. I can remember the early morning call so clearly. He had been told that he had it many years ago and had the choice to operate but decided to roll the dice and live his life, and that he did. He knew that when it erupted it would kill him. I guess we all knew that but you can never prepare for it. Deep down he had a heart of gold and would do anything for anyone and give you the shirt off his back. I have so many memories of him making various items out of timber and then selling them at the local markets. I am not sure how much timber I would have wasted trying to help out but I remember it being quite fun. His big bellied laugh was so infectious and it’s something that still makes me smile when I see a vision or a photo of him.

In 2016 my other grandfather was fighting a battle with a melanoma. He had been fighting with it for a while until it just got too much for him and he peacefully lost his fight. I received the call while in Indonesia on holidays that he had passed away. This rocked me but I felt that I had started preparing some time ago that he may not pull through. His four sons and his two grandsons were his pallbearers and this was such a special moment for me to lay my remaining grandfather to rest. It was a great send off for a great man. My fondest memories of him were the weekend visits with my dad in the early years. He introduced me to The Three Stooges and Ginger Megs. We would wake up at such a ridiculous hour just to sit there together and laugh our arses off. I still to this day find them amusing. We would also go fishing, view the massive coal ships at the port and check out all the coal trains waiting to be loaded. He was a train driver so that was his passion.

One of my grandmothers passed before I was born so I don’t really know much about her but I am told that she was pretty awesome. It’s something I wish I had spoke to my grandfather about before he passed away just to get some kind of insight to the woman he knew.

My other grandmother was fighting fit at the age of 91 with exception to a few creaks and cracks and a little bit of memory loss. It was amazing how she could tell me stories from when she was a teenage girl but intrigued me how she couldn’t tell me what she had for lunch. I ended up asking her to start a journal for me of her life as I had not known much about where she came from. That journal is now such a special part of me as there was things she recalled that not even her own family knew.

In September 2018 she got a bad case of pneumonia that knocked her for six. My mother rang me and told me that gran was not travelling too well so I decided to make the trek to visit her. It’s something that I am so grateful to have been able to do.

My beautiful Betty passed away a few days later. The morning she passed I made the decision to go and sit with her. I have never been so anxious in my life. I had never seen a deceased body let alone a woman that I loved so much. I walked into her room and she looked so peaceful. Everything I had imagined her to be. I held her hand and I kissed her on the forehead. My anxiety had disappeared. It was such a sad but calming moment. It was a special time with her and something I will never forget.

Five years on and my heart is still aching. I had so much love and time for these people and I am not sure if that piece of my heart will ever mend. I know that they have passed on but our memories together will always be present and never forgotten.

I think the most saddest thing from these passings was how little we knew about our families history within this generation and the fact that now we may never know.

Ask the question. Where did you come from?

The Testing Twos

Hard decisions for a toddler named ~Z~.

I sometimes find it so overwhelming when anything I give him just doesn’t seem right. He asks for cold water but he really wants milk. He asks for pear but he really wants apple or banana. He wants a nap but also wants to play. There are times when this indecisiveness can turn into a full on meltdown.

It has been a little hard lately with his mumma being sick. I have struggled mentally with frustration and physically with fatigue but I have needed to push on as I am his primary carer. There are days when I wake up and ponder, “how the f@&k am I going to get through today by myself?” I guess some days feel like the longest day of your life and other days leave you thinking where the time went.

He is learning new things all the time and is constantly growing both mentally and physically. Constant stimulation needs to be kept up to him or he seems to get bored and that’s when his mental state can change in a heartbeat. I don’t feel he has any issues, I just think it is him learning and trying to express himself but me not quite comprehending some of his full needs. In reality, we are all leaning new things on a daily basis but all of us learn at a different pace.

I guess it’s all part of our life journey as a family but wow it can be challenging.

Would I change a thing? HELL NO! I absolutely love my job as a stay at home dada.

Patience • Calmness • Love • Harmony

Friendships That Just Aren’t

It’s such a horrible feeling thinking that the “friends” that you thought were friends and have known for and worked with ten or more years aren’t really what they make themselves out to be.
It’s like there is two sides to people and you don’t see it until way down the track when you actually sit back and think about it.
I am pretty much at the point of not bothering anymore. You contact them and it takes a month to get back to you or not even at all. A simple text would be sufficient if you can’t answer or call back. It’s the same when people say, “Yeah, we will meet up.” They insist on being the one to make contact but you find yourself still waiting. You then see really nice pics on social media of them and there friends at a park or a community event on the weekend.
What have I done to you to not be included in your circle anymore?” “Why not be upfront and say how you feel?”
These are the things that come into my head. Even before becoming a stay at home dad I could see that it was starting to get like this. I understand people get busy in life but if you can post multiple pics and a novel about your weekend on social media you can surely reply to a text or make a phone call back.
Why should I feel like this when it’s possibly not my issue? It’s like I go directly to it being my fault that this has happened.
That’s just how I feel about it, people may disagree but they are always welcome to.
I love my life and my job as a stay at home dada but sometimes it can be extremely lonely.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

In the past month I have felt a lot more positive about my anxious life. Still getting the anxiety feels but not as bad as they have been. The combination of both psychology and meds may be starting to make an impact but still such a long way to go.

All it can take is one simple thought and all the work can be undone in a split second. On this occasion I was about to go out with ~Z~ last week and the demons crept up on me from out of nowhere. I was looking for excuses and trying to reason with myself why I should or should not do this activity. It was such and intense feeling, the worst one in a while. Same activity, same day and same time on a weekly basis can still bring anxiety.

I was able to overcome the anxiety and progress with my day but it was a struggle, a big, big struggle.

I try to work out why my mind does this to me but it’s a question I still haven’t been able to answer and possibly won’t ever.

Maybe I just need to be a little more content with not having an answer but my mind will always keep seeking no matter what.

Up In The Clouds

I have just returned from a recent trip to Sydney where my anxiety went quite well. I was extremely anxious the days before leaving as I had no plans in place at my destination. It’s kinda weird but when I travel I feel as though I need to have a visual plan of what I will be doing from flights to accommodation to shopping and sightseeing. It’s something I have done for a while now. My TripIt account is like an OCD paradise.

I used to get anxiety about flying but now after doing long haul flights overseas I have come to terms with that fact that it is what it is.

I was set to get there at about 5pm which made me anxious to begin with as this was peak hour at one of the busiest domestic airports in Australia. So I not only had to find my way out of the airport but I then needed to get a train to an outer city suburb.

Remarkably my flight was on time and I managed to calmly make my through the airport and onto a metro train in a bout 15-20 minutes. My beautiful sister was picking me up from the destination station. I rang her to let her know I was two stations out. She would soon be on her way.

Later that night I reflected on how I handled myself that afternoon. The only anxiety I can really remember is initially getting on the plane. Apart from that, none at all.

The return trip was even better. No anxiety at all. It was the best feeling and numerous steps in the right direction.

The few days away spending time with my sister was just what I needed but I do have to admit, I missed my little family so, so much.

Where to next???

Mindful Meditation

The art of meditation. It’s such a powerful thing. I have not done much of it, only self guided and that was very infrequent.

The opportunity came up for my wife and I to go on a little self care date night of deep guided meditation.

I was like, “Um ok, lets give it a crack.” I didn’t know what I was in for or what to expect. I pretty much spent the whole day trying to keep myself in check so I would not lose my bundle that night.

I could feel the anxiety stirring up my emotions like the wind does to the ocean. It was extremely difficult. Heart racing, sweaty palms and butterflies fluttering.

FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN!!!!!

I walked in to find the most peaceful space. Dimmed lights, abundance of cushions , flickering candle and deep soulful incense. It was nothing like I had experienced.

The class went for approximately an hour, spread into two meditations, breath work and a deep meditation. I found it quite easy to meditate and the deep mediation was so peaceful. Where some people experienced a lot of colors, I experienced a lot of feelings. Warmth, coldness and a nice version of pins and needles. Not intense like the everyday sensation of pins and needles but a different kind. I guess the only way I can explain it is a nice pleasant and non painful version. It was quite surreal.

After coming back to my senses from within the deep meditation it was a feeling of accomplishment. I had not felt so relaxed like I did in such a long time.

This is one of them occasions where I was able send my anxiety down a different path and I was able to choose and progress with the decision that I wanted. It overwhelmed me in the beginning but I got the better of it in the end.

This is something I will definitely be attending again in the very near future.

Namaste 🙏🏻